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Industry Lumber Humor
Youtube Geek Videos
Lumber Quips
- Two men in a drove into a lumberyard. One walked up to
the counter and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"OK, now, how long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go
check."
In a few minutes, he returned to the office and said, "A
long time. We're gonna build a house."
- Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M"
of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one
dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C,"
the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the
set "C" as subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the
cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline
the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and
squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong
answers.
Teaching Math in 2002:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his
profit margin is $60?
Photos
 Some quick
facts about this picture
- The driver (a crack user) fled
- The passenger is passed out in the passenger
seat
- The car is still running
- The rear wheels have been driven past the
shocks into the wheel wells
- The manager of the lumberyard had the driver
sign a waiver before he let them load their lumber
- There are an additional 10 bags of (90 lbs
each) of concrete mix in the back seat
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This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan
DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality,
State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but
read the State's letter before you get to the response
letter
Letter from the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality
QUOTE
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of
Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of
property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across
the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of
activity. A review of the department's files shows that no
permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has
determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301,
Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of
1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the
dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing
debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that
dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be
permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and
desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All
restoration work shall be completed no later than January
31, 2005.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been
completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be
scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request
or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result
in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in
this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
^^ Here is the actual response sent back by Mr.
DeVries: ^^
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm
County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me
to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the
Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of
beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining
two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring
Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that you call
their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I
would like to challenge your department to attempt to
emulate their dam project any time and/or any plce you
choose.
I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever
match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam
ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination
and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware
that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the
start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you
require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said
dam request? If you are not discriminating against these
particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act,
I request completed copies of all those other applicable
beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michign Compiled Laws,
annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the
beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond
Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for
said representation -- so the State will have to provide
them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that
either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain
event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural
occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow
condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going
to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to
your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right
to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue,
the grass is green and water flows downstream. They
have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring
Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should
protect the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment
(Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case
can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right
now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may
be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you
or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a
real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It
is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I
definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating
bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to
investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are
not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being
unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am
sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS |
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